


It's Just the Moon

by smarshtastic



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Blackwatch Era, Blackwatch Jesse McCree, Blackwatch Reaper | Gabriel Reyes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Moon, Outer Space, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-18 05:45:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11284896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smarshtastic/pseuds/smarshtastic
Summary: It had seemed like a cool idea at first: a mission on the moon - the actual moon, in space. Overwatch’s moon base was small, mostly for surveillance purposes, but they were supposed to rotate agents through regularly, and that included Blackwatch agents. In fact, more often than not, it was Blackwatch agents that drew the short straw. The prospect was pretty novel, in theory, and Jesse had consumed a lot of sci-fi in his time, so Jesse volunteered. He didn't actually expect to get picked.---In which Jesse realizes that maybe the moon isn't all that it's cracked up to be.





	It's Just the Moon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fabrega](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabrega/gifts).



> Alright folks, this is the last of my stockpiled fics. But don't worry, I'll be back! If not before [Blackwatch Week](https://blackwatchweek.tumblr.com/), then certainly for the event! Follow the event on [twitter](https://twitter.com/blackwatchweek) for updates too!
> 
> Shout out to [fabrega](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabrega/) who read all ~40k worth of the fic I stockpiled without complaining. She's the best ♥
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr](http://wictorwictor.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/smarshtastic)!

It had seemed like a cool idea at first: a mission on the moon - the actual moon, in space. Overwatch’s moon base was small, mostly for surveillance purposes, but they were supposed to rotate agents through regularly, and that included Blackwatch agents. In fact, more often than not, it was Blackwatch agents that drew the short straw. The prospect was pretty novel, in theory, and Jesse had consumed a  _ lot _ of sci-fi in his time, so Jesse volunteered. He didn't actually expect to get picked. 

Overwatch decided that it was a mission best suited to Blackwatch’s skill set - which really meant that nobody in Overwatch wanted to do it. Once again, the Blackwatch strike team stepped up to do Overwatch’s dirty work. 

The shuttle ride is like any other shuttle ride, really; it’s longer, a bit bumpier, but there isn’t much of a difference from any other mission they've run. Shiga is practically bouncing in his seat beside Jesse, while, on his other side, Edwards looks practically bored. 

“It's just the moon,” Edwards says. 

“Do you even  _ hear _ yourself, man?” Shiga says, disbelieving. “It's the fucking moon!”

“It's not like we're the first people to go to the moon,” Edwards says. Shiga makes a face at him. 

“Oh, you're right. Sorry, I thought this was going to be cool,” Shiga says. Edwards rolls his eyes. 

“It's just surveillance. You're gonna be bored out of your mind in a day or two, just you wait,” Edwards says. 

“You know what? We should've brought Prithi with us. She would've appreciated this way more,” Shiga says. He nudges Jesse. “She's gonna be so jealous when she comes back from that mission to find out we went to the  _ moon _ .”

Jesse laughs, but it's strained. He has gotten a look out the window and his stomach has dropped. He doesn’t know what he expected but god _ damn  _ was the Earth really far away. He tries to push the nagging worry into the back of his mind and focus instead on Shiga’s infectious enthusiasm. He thinks of all the books he’s read and the movies he's seen - space was cool. It’s vast and endless and full of possibilities; a fresh slate, practically. Shiga is right: this is really cool. Jesse clings to that thought. 

The shuttle lands at the lunar base and the Blackwatch strike team piles out of the shuttle into a holding area where they're given a brief safety orientation. 

“In the event of an emergency, there are shuttle pods located strategically throughout the base,” the bored junior scientist says. She gestures vaguely at the airlock behind them. “Each room can be discretely locked down in the event of a breech. Emergency suits are located by the exits of each room. Do not leave the facility without first signing out and make sure you always have a partner.”

Shiga nudges Jesse again, grinning. Jesse offers him a weak smile, trying to ignore the dread that's growing in the pit of his stomach. He’s suddenly remembering all the stories of things that can go wrong in space - broken ventilation, power failures, those  _ Alien _ movies with the chest-bursters… It all makes for a good movie, but hearing about the possibilities like they are actual things that could happen to them is suddenly not very entertaining at all. His mind jumps to the possibilities, feeding the dread that’s making his stomach twist in knots.  

After finishing the orientation, the scientist leads them to their bunks, trying (and mostly failing) to field Wake’s unending string of questions. Edwards tries to walk ahead but Shiga lengthens his stride to keep up his relentless teasing that mostly goes over Edwards’ head. Jesse slows and falls to the back of the group. He just  _ happens  _ to find himself walking next to Gabe. He wishes he could say something, get a little scrap of reassurance, but Jesse knows the surveillance on the lunar base is even tighter than at any of the other Overwatch bases; it has to be, in case something goes wrong. Still, Jesse will risk brushing his hand against Gabe’s as they walk. It's not enough, not by a long shot, but it does help momentarily quell the anxiety that's growing in his chest. Gabe glances at him. 

“How long are we up here again?” Jesse asks, doing his best to keep his tone light. If Gabe notices, he doesn't make any indication. 

“A few days - maybe a week. Depends how long it takes to get good readings once the relays are set up,” Gabe says. 

“Oh,” Jesse nods. He searches for something else to say, something that won't come off sounding like an overreaction or weakness. Gabe raises his eyebrows, but the scientist interrupts whatever he was about to say. 

“Commander Reyes? We've prepared a private bunk for you,” she says. “Right this way.”

Gabe nods. He looks past Jesse to the rest of his team. “Settle in. We've got a little bit of time before we have work to do.”

Gabe walks off with the scientist, but not before he lets his hand brush against Jesse’s again. Jesse squares his shoulders. He can do this; he can't let Gabe down. 

The strike team’s bunks are tiny and dark, with two beds each. Wake and Tack take one bunk for themselves immediately, leaving Jesse, Shiga, Edwards and Valdez to exchange a look. 

“I'm with Valdez,” Edwards says immediately. Shiga puckers his lips at him. 

“Ooh, someone has a crush,” Shiga says. 

“I'll murder you in your sleep,” Valdez says evenly, though it's not immediately evident if she's directing her threat to Shiga or Edwards. Edwards makes a face at Shiga. 

“At least Stef doesn't snore,” Edwards says. 

“It's alright. I'll pretend my feelings aren't hurt. Maybe Jesse will cuddle with me,” Shiga says, turning to Jesse, who is not exactly paying attention. He nudges him. “Let’s get settled. Maybe we can take a look around before we have work to do.”

Valdez disappears into the bunk next to Jesse and Shiga’s, Edwards at her heels. Shiga steps into their own. Jesse follows after a moment. With both of them standing in the room, it feels even tinier than it looks. 

“You okay?” Shiga asks, shoving his duffle under the nearest bed. “You've got a funny face.”

“Fine,” Jesse says, snapping back to himself. He stows his own duffle and glances around the small room. No windows. That might be okay. Shiga’s giving him a look but he doesn't press. 

“There's an observation deck or something, I think the scientist said. You want to go look?”

“Sure,” Jesse says. 

Together, they wind their way through the halls of the lunar base. Shiga mostly leads the way, poking his head into any room that will let him, keeping up a steady stream of chatter. Jesse does his best to focus on that. Shiga has a way of putting Jesse at ease; Shiga was, after all, the first person after Gabe who was truly welcoming when Jesse joined Blackwatch. Shiga finds the observation room at the end of the hall and steps inside, Jesse a step behind him. Shiga lets out a low whistle. 

“Would you look at that,” Shiga says wonderingly. “Did you ever think we'd end up here? After everything?”

Jesse is suddenly feeling breathless, but definitely not in the same awed way that Shiga is. He manages a nod, even though he’s overcome by a strange bout of vertigo.

“Yeah - I mean, no. Figured I'd keep running guns in New Mexico, mostly,” Jesse says. 

“We lucked out,” Shiga says. He gives Jesse a bracing smile that Jesse finds himself returning. Jesse appreciates Shiga’s ability to make the best out of every situation. He feels a little better. He lets his breath out. 

“We sure did,” Jesse agrees. Shiga squeezes Jesse’s shoulder. 

“Guess we should report in, huh? See what these relays are about.” 

Jesse and Shiga make their way to the base’s conference room. Gabe is already there, chatting with the head of the base, a tall woman whose grey hair is pulled back in a tight chignon. He catches sight of Jesse and Shiga when they come in and excuses himself. 

“Settled in?” Gabe asks. Shiga bobs his head. 

“Yes sir. Our little closet away from home,” Shiga says. “Have you seen the observation room yet?”

“This isn't my first rodeo,” Gabe says. His eyes slide to Jesse. “This is pretty much like any other mission we've run - just with an unusual set of circumstances.”

“Nobody else thinks this is cool,” Shiga says, exasperated. Jesse shrugs. 

“I dunno if it's really sunk in yet,” Jesse says. 

“It is pretty surreal,” Shiga agrees.

“Just wait until we get you out there. The first time’s always the best,” Gabe says, gesturing to a window. Shiga brightens even as Jesse feels an invisible fist clutch around his heart. 

“We're going out there?” Shiga asks, eyes wide and wondering. Gabe chuckles. 

“Yeah. How else do you think we're supposed to get to the relays?”

Jesse sits through the entire orientation stiffly, the words of the space walk coordinator sounding both very loud and far away all at once. He does his best to memorize everything the technician is saying, hyperfocused on every word. It seems more important than ever that Jesse actually follow the rules for once; improvisation won't save him out here. 

The strike team is led to what looks like an armory, full of space suits and specialized tools, but no guns. As they're getting ready, Jesse manages to get ahold of himself, somehow. He convinces himself that this is just a mission like any other. The familiar routine of getting the gear ready, checking and re-checking tools, sets his mind at ease. He pushes all his worries - rational and irrational - away, locking it down tight. He's always been pretty good at compartmentalizing; he’s had to, it’s a matter of survival. But he’s never had to make as much of a conscious effort as he has today. Now that he has, though, he can pretend this is all normal. He’s ready. 

Once they're properly kitted out, the strike team walks into the airlock, two by two, and out onto the moon’s surface. 

“Woah,” Shiga breathes, awed, letting his arms rise in the weightlessness. Jesse watches Valdez and Edwards move away from the lunar base, their power tether trailing like a ribbon behind them. “Jesse, this is so  _ cool _ .”

“Yeah,” Jesse says. The weightlessness has taken him off guard; it’s making it harder to concentrate on keeping everything nicely compartmentalized. 

Jesse and Shiga make their way across the rocky surface in the opposite direction of Edwards, Valdez, and the lunar base. It's strangely slow going; like moving through water. Jesse quickly has to push that comparison aside - he’s never had a good relationship with water. They walk the length of their tether, as instructed, to plant a stake in the ground as their first relay. 

Jesse is focusing on drilling into the ground when a yelp from Shiga draws his attention away from the task at hand. 

“Woah - hey, Jesse - look out, I'm floating away!” Shiga says. Jesse whips around to find Shiga floating a couple feet in the air. His hard-earned calm vanishes instantly, his heart flying into his throat. 

“Fred -” Jesse lunges for him, but he doesn't move quickly enough. 

“Jesse!” 

“No, no no - Fred! Hold on - I'm coming -”

Jesse scrambles to tug on the line between them, trying to bring Shiga back down to the surface. His pulse is pounding in his ears, the panic sitting high in his chest, suffocating. He manages to drag Shiga back down, pulling him in with all his strength, gripping his arms with both hands. 

Shiga is laughing. 

“Oh man, that was cool,” Shiga says. Jesse blinks, uncomprehending. 

“W-what?”

“That was - hey, what's wrong?”

Jesse turns away abruptly - or as abruptly as he's able. He's shaking violently in his suit as the fear and adrenaline fades. 

“Jesse?” Shiga asks, worry creeping into his voice. 

“They relay’s out,” Jesse says. “We should get back.”

Jesse doesn't say a single word on the rest of the trek back to the base. When they're safely back inside, Jesse all but rips the space suit off. He makes a beeline back to his and Shiga’s bunk. Once the door slides shut, the panic wells up and Jesse lets it take him. He curls up on his bed, fist stuffed against his mouth to muffle any sounds that might escape. 

A while later - Jesse isn't sure how long; he loses track of time in the darkened bedroom - the door slides open. Jesse tenses, forcing himself to swallow down a gulp of air and hold it in. He moves his hand slowly away from mouth. 

“Jesse?” Shiga’s voice asks, tentative, concerned. 

“Yeah,” Jesse says roughly. He scrubs a hand over his face and sits up, but avoids meeting Shiga’s eyes. It's easy in the semi-darkness. 

“Are you okay?”

Jesse shrugs. There's a long pause. Shiga takes a step closer and the door slides shut behind him. 

“Was it because I pretended to float away? It was just a joke, Jesse,” Shiga says. He hesitates at the foot of Jesse’s bed. Jesse swallows thickly. 

“I thought you were a goner,” Jesse says. 

“I was just being stupid - I didn't think you'd…” Shiga trails off. Jesse can hear the guilty note in Shiga’s voice - it's not  _ his  _ fault Jesse panicked. It was Jesse’s own failing. He is suddenly acutely aware of the walls of the room, closing in around them. Claustrophobic. His breath sticks in his throat. 

“It's fine,” Jesse manages to say. “I just - I need a minute.” 

“You want me to get Stef?” Shiga asks, the worry clear in his voice. It makes Jesse’s throat tighten up more.

“No,” Jesse says immediately, harshly. He gets up off the bed and his knees knock together. He straightens as best he can. “I just - I need some air.”

“Jesse -”

“I’m  _ fine _ !”

Jesse finds his way back to the observation room. After the close, dark claustrophobia of the bunk, the openness of the room is a welcome relief. Jesse takes a deep breath - then he remembers it: the huge reinforced glass window that offers a spectacular view of Earth, millions of miles away. It's small at this distance, impossibly so, like he could pluck it out of the sky and hold it in his palm. Jesse swallows hard. He's trying to remember the breathing exercises the psychiatrist taught him back when he was having more regular panic attacks. It's not doing much good. 

He can't explain the feeling that's making his breath stick in his throat, his heartbeat a frantic rhythm on the inside of his ribs, the blood rush in his ears. All he knows is he decidedly does  _ not  _ feel in control of this situation. Jesse’s tenuous grip on his calm is rapidly slipping away. 

He forces himself to take a couple of steps to the window and presses his palm against the glass. It’s cool to the touch. He rests his forehead against it, heart hammering in his chest. He’s safe here - they wouldn’t have scientists here if it wasn’t safe. Still, Jesse can’t help the way his breathing quickens, coming in short, shallow pants. 

Jesse stumbles back until his legs hit a sofa. He sinks down immediately, drawing his legs up to his chest. Jesse sits completely still, white-knuckled, head tipped back against the wall and eyes locked on the ceiling. 

He sits like that for a long time. 

“There you are,” a familiar voice says, the door to the observation room sliding open with a rush of pressurized air. Jesse jumps in his seat, then hunches in on himself. 

“Hi,” Jesse croaks, not daring to tear his eyes away from the safety of the ceiling. Heavy boots come towards him. Jesse hugs his arms to his chest, still breathing in quick pants through his nose.  

“...Are you okay?”

Jesse tries to nod but it mostly comes off as a full-body shake.

“Yeah. Yeah - just peachy,” Jesse says, trying to play it off. He still doesn't shift his gaze away from the safe, flat grey of the ceiling. 

“Shiga said you didn't come to bed.”

Jesse knows what happened: Shiga probably went to find Gabe after Jesse bolted from their bunk. Shiga’s a good enough friend to be worried about Jesse - and he knows that Gabe’s the likeliest person to be able to talk Jesse back down to earth. 

So to speak. 

A strong, steady hand grips Jesse by the shoulder. He flinches, eyes finally flicking down to look at Gabe’s face. He spots the inky black behind him and sucks in a breath, quickly looking back up at the ceiling. 

“Jesse,” Gabe says, dropping his voice to a concerned murmur. “What's wrong?”

Jesse’s throat works to swallow down the little panicked noise that desperately wants to escape. He wets his lips with the tip of his tongue. 

“Was feeling ah - a little claustrophobic,” Jesse says. “Thought that - that the open, ha,  _ space _ might help but -”

Jesse stops, interrupting himself with a slightly crazed laugh that ends in what could only be described as a hiccuping sob. Gabe takes Jesse’s face in both hands, firmly but gently guiding his chin down to look him in the eye. He positions himself in front of Jesse so Gabe’s all he can see. Jesse lets a shaky breath out. 

“Hey,” Gabe says. “You’re okay. I’m here - I’ve got you.”

“Hey,” Jesse says. He swallows. His heart is still pounding in his throat, but feeling surrounded by Gabe is far better than feeling unmoored in space. 

“If you need to go back…” Gabe starts to say. Jesse sits up a little straighter.

“What? No - I’m fine. I’m  _ fine _ ,” Jesse says again, emphatically. An old fear - falling behind, failing, disappointing Gabe - wells up in his chest. “I can do this.”

Gabe searches Jesse’s face, brow pinched with worry. “If you’re sure.”

“I just - I need a minute,” Jesse says. He sucks in a breath and lets it out slowly. He’s glad Gabe came to find him, mostly; he hates that Gabe has to see him in these moments of weakness, but, then again, there isn't anyone he'd trust more to get him through this. He’s glad Shiga went to get Gabe. 

“Take as long as you need,” Gabe says. He's used to this by now - he knows what to do. Jesse is grateful for that. Gabe lets Jesse’s chin go but doesn't move away. He puts his hand on Jesse’s shoulder and rubs little soothing circles. Jesse draws his knees up to his chest again and drops his head between them. 

“Thanks,” Jesse says, muffled. 

“You know you don't need to thank me, Jesse,” Gabe says. Jesse nods against his knees. 

Neither of them say anything for a long time. Jesse does his best to get his breathing under control, his heart rate steady. It's easier with Gabe here; he doesn't feel completely unmoored. Still, it's a long time before Jesse lifts his head again, careful to keep his eyes only on Gabe. 

“Thanks,” Jesse says again. Gabe offers him a small smile. 

“Any time,” Gabe says. “You want to try to get some sleep?”

“I probably should,” Jesse says. 

“Sorry I can't…” Gabe starts to say, something like regret coming into his face. Jesse swallows. 

“It's okay. It's not like we haven't done it before,” Jesse says. 

“Still,” Gabe says. “After something like this…”

“I'll survive a night alone,” Jesse says, keeping his voice low. The close quarters of the lunar base means a lot of things, but increased surveillance meant that there's no way Jesse can get away with staying in Gabe’s quarters. 

“We could stay here,” Gabe says. “Sleep on the sofa.”

Jesse considers it. Gabe can sleep anywhere, and Jesse could make it look like he just happened to pass out against him. He catches a glance of the window again and only just manages to suppress a full-body shudder. 

“I dunno, Gabe,” Jesse says, tearing his eyes away from the window. 

“How's this - if you need me, I'll be here.”

“I ain't gonna ask you to do that.”

“You're not asking, I'm offering. If you want to stay on the mission, you need the sleep,” Gabe says. “Especially up here - it takes a lot out of us under normal circumstances. You can go back to your bunk, or we can find you somewhere else more comfortable.”

Jesse hesitates. Gabe doesn't say anything - Jesse appreciates that about him; he always lays out all the options and then lets Jesse make his own choices. 

“I’d rather stay here, I guess,” Jesse says finally. Gabe gives him a small smile. 

“Okay. Scoot over.”

Jesse does so, keeping his eyes on Gabe as he does, careful not to look out the window. 

“There,” Gabe says once he's settled in, seated next to him with his legs stretching out in front of him. “This is better.” 

Jesse turns around on the sofa so his back is to the window. It  _ is _ better. He gives Gabe a shaky little smile back. 

“Yeah,” Jesse nods. 

“You want to talk about it?” Gabe asks. Jesse shrugs. 

“I dunno if I can describe it.”

Gabe moves his hand along the sofa cushion, brushing Jesse’s fingertips with his own. 

“Do you want to try?” Gabe asks. Sensing Jesse’s hesitation, he adds, “You don't have to.”

Jesse chews on his lip, eyes focused on their fingers. 

“It's - I dunno. I just… I feel small,” Jesse says. He shifts his hand to tangle his fingers properly with Gabe’s. He doesn't say anything for a long time. Finally: “Like… like nothing I do is gonna matter.”

“Now, that's not true,” Gabe says, his tone gently chiding. Jesse half-shrugs, still not looking at Gabe. 

“Ain't it, though? Ain't the world just gonna keep on spinning without me?” Jesse swallows. It's the insignificance that bothers him, almost more than the physical discomfort of being up here or anything else. It’s the insignificance that follows him like a shadow. Some days, it seems like everything he's doing with Blackwatch is useless. Bad people keep doing bad things. It feels like bailing water out of a sinking lifeboat with a teaspoon. Some days more than others, but more and more recently. For every inch they gain, it seems like the bad guys gain a foot and Jesse is  _ tired _ \- he joined up to stop this, to make a difference after all the bad he's done. Has he done anything at all?

Being up here, looking down at the world, is just a reminder of how little Jesse has actually managed to accomplish, how he means nothing, he's worthless...

“Hey,” Gabe tugs on Jesse’s hand sharply, jolting him out of his thoughts. “The world would feel a whole lot emptier without you.”

Jesse raises his eyes to look at Gabe, something twisting in his chest. He shakes his head a little. 

“Gabe…” he starts to say. Gabe squeezes his hand, holding Jesse’s gaze. 

“I mean it, Jesse. Without you, I don't know how I’d keep going. I’m not sure I could do it alone,” Gabe says, voice low, quiet, urgent. Jesse swallows. He looks away. 

“Sorry,” Jesse manages to say. Gabe tugs him down so his head rests on his shoulder. 

“You don't have to apologize to me, Jesse,” Gabe says. Jesse closes his eyes briefly. 

“I'm just so tired, Gabe,” Jesse says, voice small. He feels Gabe stiffen then sag under his cheek. A hand comes up and presses against the small of Jesse’s back, warm and steady. 

“I know. Me too,” Gabe says, almost too quiet to hear. They both fall quiet, holding onto each other, security cameras be damned. 

Eventually, Jesse picks up his head to look at Gabe again. Gabe meets his eyes with a soft and sad look of his own. Jesse wants to smooth away the pinch between his brows. 

“Thank you,” Jesse says. Gabe gives him a little smile. 

“We're in this together, Jesse,” Gabe says. Jesse nods. 

“Yeah. Thank fuck for that.”

Gabe snorts and ducks his head. “We really should get some sleep.”

“Do you think we can stay here?” Jesse asks.

“I don't see why not,” Gabe says. 

Jesse maneuvers himself down into Gabe’s lap, head resting on his thigh, legs scrunched up to fit on the sofa. Gabe threads his hand through Jesse’s hair, leaning his head back against the wall. Jesse lets a breath out. 

“Gabe?” Jesse asks after several minutes. He knows Gabe isn't sleeping because his hand is still moving in Jesse’s hair. 

“Mm?”

“Love you.”

“Love you too, Jesse.”

Jesse closes his eyes, trying to let the tension melt away. His head is still buzzing - it's hard to quiet it down - but the comfort of Gabe’s body, close and warm, makes it easier. He might never be a big hero, but maybe that's okay. He's got Gabe; that's more than he could've ever asked for. 


End file.
